the unmaddening of me...

as part of my counseling, i had to ask myself what question constantly pops into my head when dealing with others. and i knew what my question was immediately, it took no time at all. it is 'are they mad at me?'

so over the last week, my counselor (i have a hard time saying therapist...) has had me write down everytime this question has surfaced in my head. and then i have to write down the context of the scenario. and since thursday, this has happened, on average, about twice a day.

and i feel horribly embarrased about this. i even thought my dog was mad at me, because on monday, i didn't walk her as long as i normally do, and felt like i short changed her...what the hell?

i understand the power of underlying feelings--what does it mean if people are 'mad' at me--and what i have come up with is disappointment. will they be disappointed if i do this or that or don't do this or that...and it's making me exhausted. these overwhelming feelings of guilt are crippling...

and so my current mood is sad/perplexed. and the sick thing is, i am starting to wonder if my blog audience is going to be mad at me because my mood isn't happy or silly or more entertaining. this self-exploration shit is no joke. whatta commitment this counseling is turning out to be...so sorry. i know i shouldn't apologize, but i feel like i should, and so by god, i am doing it: sorry.

stupid feelings....got me all jacked up and now i'm gonna go to bed and twist and turn around in my head and try to my upmost to forget i even wrote this and left this here for any of you to read because, really, it's just ridiculous...

Comments

[jenn]

Don't think about it too much. Don't try to entertain. Just write!!

[Meredith]

Beloved Judith- somethings that keep me sane in working with the emotional pain of others:
1- it's not about me.
B- anger is always a secondary emotion. when we operate from that place it helps to know that it's a reaction to something else and see #1.
iii- it does my heart good to know that you want and are doing this. Feminist therapists are in great demand and short supply. If it were easy, everybody'd do it!
Let's get a drink- I enjoyed you!