yeah, yeah, yeah...so i've been having some problems with updating. i made a HUGE mistake this semester, i took 9 hours of graduate school and am working full time.
ouch.
i think this means i am working an average of, say, 65-70 hours a week. and NONE of my reading is done. so not only am i exhausted, but i am in a constant state of feeling behind. which then triggers a rebellious need inside of me to watch MTV reruns until 1am, avoiding the next day because no matter what i do, i'm not prepared.
i could take out my anxieties through writing. that might help, right? instead i have been locked up in my little farmhouse in depression, tx denton, tx, chewing my nails while staring at the heap of books i have stacked up on desk. in the middle of the night i wake up convinced they are whispering, 'you don't read me. you don't read me.'
i don't sleep anymore. i wake up every hour on the hour and it's making me crazy and twitchy and grumpy.
and it's all because I HATE DENTON. sorry, bill. i know it's your hood and all. but i do, i hate it. i miss my friends and i miss my local coffee shop and i think i have been struggling with a mild case of depression and isolation.
newsflash: i'm a city girl.
i don't know if you all know this or not, but i am. sometimes--and by sometimes i mean winter time--i slip into a hole of self doubt and pity, rolling around in everything that is horrible and decrepit. the only remedy i know is the lights of the city. they trigger movement for me. and pace and diversity and freedom. and these elements inspire my thoughts and, above all, my writing.
and while i haven't been scribing here, on my blog, i have been creating insightful compositions.
this semester i am taking group counseling. a class that has consumed every particle of my god-forsaken identity. not only do we have to read and learn how to provide group counseling, but we also have to host, facilitate, film, write case notes, prepare, and market our own 8-week group.
on top of all that, i also have to attend group counseling after class every thursday night and write a journal every week about my experience. (i knew there would be some kum-ba-ya hand holding in this program...but i didn't expect it so soon. and if any of you are counting, this means i have been in therapy for a year now. so no wonder my identity is cracking.)
i guess you could say this is where i have been, exploring me and my life and my reactions. this also means i am writing about 8-10 pages per week for this class alone.
did i mention i am also taking graduate level statistics????
f.u.c.k. m.e. f.o.r. r.e.a.l.
stats is the most frustrating thing i have ever done. half the class i spend making an absolute fool of myself--i'm either 100% right or 100% wrong. and that don't make good odds come test time.
so because i have neglected my sweet, tender blog and my genuine, sincere audience, i am going to post some of my group counseling journal entries here, so that you people can catch up with me. sound good? sound fair? this way y'all can continue to voyeur through my mind, wondering what in the fuck happened to this poor ass girl from middle america.
so just know i am alive and breathing.
thriving?
kind of.
surviving?
abso-fucking-lutely.
I peed a little when I read my name. Y'know what? I fucking hate Denton too. and I love it. And I'd move to Dallas in a heartbeat if I didn't work in Loserville and Denton.
thank you for blogging.
Posted by: Motherfucking B.I.L.L. | March 25, 2006 at 10:18 AM